Before every Death Doula training, students are invited to write a letter explaining what draws them to the course. I am touched, surprised and intrigued by the responses which help give me a sense of the group. David Phinney, a recent student wrote his letter after completing the Death Doula training. It beautifully articulates the reason he came and what he learned ….
“This time last year I did not know what a Death Doula was. My mother-in-law Therese died in early 2019. She was as far as I am concerned my mom, I love her more than anyone. She was a tiny, fierce woman who had birthed six children at home and raised them into conscious adults. She really did not want to die. Despite having all the qualities and attributes of someone you would assume would be able to engage with their death she could not. She allowed no space for death, it was not welcome. It was clear that if we were going to support her we were not allowed to make space for it either.
The big question “Is she going to die?” was only asked to prompt the reassurances of “No, of course not” or “We’re not there yet”.
The last 5 months were particularly brutal, hers was a rare bone cancer diagnosis that metastasized tumors throughout the muscles in her body that were excruciatingly painful. When she went into the hospital for the last time we were with her every minute of the day and got a crash course in what being an advocate in that setting looked like and how much it was needed. Therese’s life’s work was that of a birth doula and midwife assistant. Conversations around the over medicalized nature of birth, the disenfranchisement of women’s choices and the unnecessary fear of allowing our bodies to do what they innately know how to do was the common dinner discourse. Part of that conversation was the only instruction she would ever give on how to be there for her when her time came, she wanted to die at home.
After weeks in a palliative care unit we were finally able to take her home but her grip in our reality was too tenuous to hold the thread of conversation. The opportunity for honesty and a shared understanding of what was happening was gone and with that any chance of being able to grieve with her.
Her resistance, her unwillingness to allow the reality of her dying made it harder for her children to allow it and so the fact of her death in the midst of her dying could not be faced. The ship of hope was sinking with everyone on board. For me Death, in those months, became personified. Her dying to me felt like the most honest thing I had ever experienced, it was unwavering, could not be ignored or bargained with. It was.
We stumbled every step of the way. It was as if no one had ever done this before. We didn’t know our options, how long before we had to call the funeral home, how long we could have her body before it became a “crime”. The truly transformative experience for me came when her best friend and midwife partner came to say her goodbye. She asked if I would help wash, anoint and dress her body. I did not know this was a thing, couldn’t have conceived it. It was such a gift for me to be able to care for her in that way, to touch her with no pain, to reciprocate the tenderness she had had for me in that final act. It was profound for my relationship with her and my relationship to grief in a way that I did not know at the time. In the hurricane that was the whole experience I had found something sacred. It sent me on this journey.
The journey changed my life in the way that only utter catastrophe can. My relationship to death was transformed from one of fear and discomfort to something different. It, Death, became a compass that pointed towards the truth, and a lens through which I could view my own life. I came home one day to my partner playing Ram Dass and listened to him talk about service with the dying as preparation for our own death. I started looking to see how I could incorporate that into my life. A few thread pulls later and I found Sacred Crossings.
I showed up to the first day of the Death Doula workshop nervous, not knowing what to expect. I was truly out of my element. The moment it started though I knew I was in the right place. I tend to lead with a healthy skepticism, a residue of a life of making judgements about what I am and am not, what I believe and don’t believe. Olivia’s welcome and the prayer she led cut right through all of it and I spent the next four days laid bare to the experience of learning not only what it takes to be an advocate for those experiencing a death but also how to prepare the ground in myself to be able to be that presence. This was really tough for me at times, in ways that I didn’t expect. Being asked to look at your own fears around death, your attachments and unresolved relationships in the abstract can make for decent conversation, being asked to get specific, put pen to paper and write it out, to sit with someone vulnerable and really share is a whole other beast.
The course seemed designed to go deep, fast, and really make you confront all the things you would rather put off until a proverbial tomorrow. In that way it felt like Olivia had already begun the process of doulaing us through our deaths. As I write this I realize more and more that it really was parallel tracks, everything we learned about the inner work of how to lay a foundation to be able to be of service translates to the dying and everything we learned about the dying process translates to us, people who will one day die. Through all of it I could see how each exercise directly related to the experience of being able to show up open and present, to be a harbor to those confronting their deaths or the deaths of a loved one.
There were practical skills covered that take so much of the guesswork out of the process during death as it relates to the healthcare system, what people’s wishes are and how to make sure they’re honored. I learned about what the dying process looks like without letting my judgement or fear cloud what is happening, enabling me to be able to be clear in translating what that looks like. I learned what our rights are when it comes to how we die and the rituals around our deaths. Most importantly though, what I left the workshop with was a deeper understanding of myself and what it means to foster the space that gives someone permission to meet their grief and fear, joy and sadness, whatever they have to bring to the table, to allow judgement to fall away and just be present with what is.
The capacity this work has to alleviate suffering, not only those who are dying but to their families and loved ones is immeasurable. I couldn’t have imagined five years ago standing present in the space I’m in now. It feels no accident that Therese, my first teacher, doula’d this rebirth of mine and that I’ve found myself here, training with Olivia, and learning what it means to be a Death Doula.”
If you were moved by this piece, and would like to join us for a Death Doula training, please visit our courses and trainings page at:
We look forward to meeting you and sharing this sacred journey.
what a beautiful depiction of a life transformed by death and the loving training gifts from you Olivia. Wow
thank you Olivia for your training and for sharing David’s story.
Thank you Julie! It is such a pleasure to share these sacred teachings.
Olivia, I ran into one of your graduates yesterday. Her name is Tamara and she’s a chaplain at Los Angeles General. I told her that you and I knew one another a long time ago, back to HLCC days. Seeing this blog prompted my reaching out to you. We’re doing similar work. If you have a chance, maybe email me at sbrown @ecsforseniors.org or the email below.It might be fun to connect.
Hi Susan! Lovely to hear from you. HLCC is my foundation stone and the teachings reverberate throughout my own. How blessed we were eh? Please write me at: olivia@sacredcrossings.com
David! How heartfelt, poignant, and well-delivered your beautiful words are! I feel sad that I did not get to connect with you during Olivia’s amazing workshop, but you are clearly on your destined path! May you find your way to exactly where you are meant to be. The sacred work which Olivia led us all on our path to begin during that incredible 4 day journey was life-changing and is something truly special and remarkable that everyone should be so lucky as to have a chance to experience! Blessings to you on your beautiful journey. Your mom-in-law was so blessed to have your love. In gratitude for you, all who were there, and to Olivia.
Thank you Nicki! I’m so glad you enjoyed the program – many will be blessed by your wise, compassionate heart.
A remarkably beautiful, inspiring, and deeply touching personal story that illuminates the mystical experience of the passage from the physical to the spiritual dimension. Sacred Crossings is a phenomenal program, led by a true Earth Angel.
Thank you Annemarie for your continued love and support of this sacred work.
Tomorrow will mark the 10 year anniversary of my sister’s death. And while I miss her every single day, I at least know that we navigated those final months, with Olivia’s patient guidance, as deeply and honestly as was possible. That my sister was able to face the inevitable with such grace, and that we as a family were able to hold space, cherish each day, hour, minute together, and finally tenderly send her on her way when the time came, was in large part because of Olivia. I am so grateful to know that Olivia is continuing to train new doulas, You all are a critical part of CHANGING the sad status quo. Thank you to David for allowing us to read about your journey. May each of Olivia’s graduates continue to spread the word and work so that we may we look back on the past several decades in relation to death and dying and see that time as a mere deviation away from what it was always meant to be: sacred rite where each of us can and should be present.
Nance! How lovely to hear from you and feel such beautiful memories of Kathy and your incredible family. Bless you!